August 23, 2008

Why I hate living with older women

The previous two long-term female housemates I've had were 24 and 21, while my current one is about to turn 30. Younger girls are too self-conscious, but older women feel care-free in introducing awkward conversation topics. Two recent examples (names changed):

1) A couple weeks ago, my female housemate Barbara said she'd run into the guy who recently moved out of our house, Jake. "You know what's funny?" she asked. What's that? "Jake thought we were hooking up the entire time, since our doors were always opening at the same time." Or just because we have the same schedule. "Isn't that funny?" Yeah, what a weirdo. "Nooooo, not weeeeird, just funny." Pause. "I told him we were." Ha.

Barbara is plain-looking below the neck and below-average above, although at least she's active, so she doesn't look gross. (I still thought she was a few years older than she really is.) Just the thought of it made me cringe a little, and it was comletely out of the blue -- I was buried in a book in the reading room when she interrupted like one of those raincoat flasher men.

2) Today she remarked that she felt bad due to "womanly problems." I don't mind hearing that, but in talking about how ill at ease she felt, her mind drifted to other areas of discontent: "I just need to be kissed... really well," she griped matter-of-factly. Oh god, not again with this! "I can't even remember what it felt like with my last boyfriend..." I told her politely and empathetically that she should go to a club.

If the sexes were reversed, I'd be kicked out of the house for sexual harassment, possibly unable to rent another room if they asked for a reference. And again, don't let your imagination distract you from what I've said -- she's nothing special to look at and belongs to the hippie-ish subgroup of the SWPL crowd. * I wouldn't mind if she were twenty and tight, of course, but teenagers and college girls have too much shame to say such things to their housemates, even if they're thinking it, let alone to repeatedly bring them up.

Every time she says something like this, I run up to my room and turn on a YouTube shower of girly videos to flush the burning out of my eyes. Luckily, the past two times happened on the weekend, so I also got to re-join my darlings at the teen dance club soon afterward. Within 5 hours, I'll be gripping firm adolescent skin and forgetting all the things she's said.

* In 10 years, I can easily see Barbara as this tragic case spotted by Roissy, or perhaps even worse as the type of single dating mother described by Udolpho.


  1. She is attracted to you, obviously.

    You might be able to cultivate a "younger brother" vibe with her so she doesn't see you as available.

    If you know any older guys in her league who are game for it, you might bring one over under some ruse of an excuse and see if they hit it off. You can give your friend her phone number after asking the parties involved if that alright with them......

    Its better to have guy pals as roomates, but If I were younger again (I own my own home) and I was with a female roomate, I'd almost rather she be overweight and plainly non-compatible or something so that there would be no sexual tension whatsoever. The only good thing about having a hot roomate that you aren't fucking is the possibility that you could hook up with her friends. Otherwise the visage of a hot chick prancing around in her sweatpants will make you constantly horny and take your mind of work that you need to be thinking about.

  2. Re: younger brother, oddly enough I unintentionally followed up the suggestion to go to a club with an anecdote about how I once went to a gay club in Barcelona since that was the only place my female friends would go that night, and how my boyish looks got me manhandled by the gays there.

    I believe I repeated the word "boyish" two or three times. Natural defense mechanism against borderline cougars, I guess.


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