May 23, 2008

Don't lean in when talking to girls

This is so basic, yet so powerful, that it's one of the few pieces of advice to appear in every pickup artist writing, video, etc. It makes you look overly eager to accomodate, too happy to get into her space, and submissive to a complete stranger. Also, how do you even know she welcomes it?

Even -- especially -- if she is a lot shorter than you, do not give into the urge to bend over out of politeness. If she likes you, she will move her head into your space. Tonight at '80s night, a peppy 5'1 teenager asked me wasn't I hot in my suit. I yelled my answer, but it was on the loud dancefloor, so she didn't hear (deeper voices don't carry as well). Rather than bend over, I stood how I was, and she grasped my arm, stood on her tippie-toes and placed her head near my mouth so she could hear. She did the same when she wanted to make sure I heard her.

I asked another girl in the group, who was 5'3, if her friend always asks so many questions. Again, she didn't hear at first, but she did the same thing: nestled close to my side, stood a bit taller, and placed her head just above my shoulder to hear better. There is an important aspect of social psychology at work here, which I'll cover in a future post.

If I were 6'8 instead of 5'8, then I would slouch over or something, since the average girl could not stand that tall, but for the vast majority of girls, you won't have to worry about them standing up to get near your mouth. I emphasize that you should always doubt your urge to be polite -- girls don't want you to do the polite thing in these contexts. It gives a girl an incredible rush to arch herself on her toes, grab hold of your arm for support, and maneuver her head close to yours, as though she were going to whisper a secret in your ear. Have you ever seen a slow-dancing couple where the guy's head was on her shoulder? -- No? That's why.

Girls love doing things that make them feel feminine, and having to nearly scale your body to hear you is one of those things. It's like how little kids with ADD love to climb all over adults. You leaning into them robs them of that pleasure.


  1. leaning in is an absolute seduction killer. it's one of the top three critical body language/non-verbal mistakes a guy can make, along with laughing at his own jokes and staring at her cleavage the whole time.

    btw, funny pic.

  2. Im 6'4. Athletic, good looking, assertive etc. Generally i do very well with girls based on that alone. However I think I could take my game to a higher level with a few tweaks. I think the leaning in thing is one of them. Im not a beta or anything, but being tall you naturally develop the tenancy to lean in sometimes, just to hear people. With your head at a higher plane than most people's, it really is hard to hear sometimes. Say Im talking to a 5'1 girl. Do you really think she'll be more attracted if I refuse to bend in to hear her at a loud bar? I can understand how it looks bad for a 5'6 guy to lean in but at 6'4 I sorta have to. What do you think? thanks.

  3. tall guy,

    Same as you, at 6'2.

    My weak point is tall girls, as I can tell them to speak into my ear, and not need to bend down.

    For shorter ones I have noticed:

    1. Bending down from the waist makes you feel more insecure. this has a reason: you actually do come across as more insecure.

    2. Bending only your head while keeping the body confident, and turning your better ear towards them, making them talk to your ear, does not have the same effect. Gives an aura of being interested with being aloof, and while you have the girl sticking your neck out trying to tell you something, you can check out the effects of the social proof you just got.

    3. Lean onto a high table, feet apart, taking lots of space.

    4. The best solution I found is to sit on a bar stool, and let her stand either beside you or between your legs. Works best.


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