"I Sub Myself" by the Replinyls (song for parasocial Valentine's Day)

No emo whining about Valentine's Day -- we're out of the vulnerable phase of the 15-year excitement cycle. Time to start having fun with things again.

What better way than an ironic take on the parasocial character of relationships in these too-online times? Ironic in the fun-loving sense -- an unabashed celebration, disguised by self-deprecation. (As opposed to ironic in the joy-killing sense -- raw deprecation of others, disguised by adulation.)

We're entering the first year of the restless warm-up phase of the cycle, so the following tune from 1990 could not be more apropos:

* * *

I scroll myself, I want you to scroll me
When I get banned, I want you to parole me
I stop myself, I want you to F5 me
I unfollow myself, I want you to subscribe me

I won't stalk anybody else
When I come to browse you, I sub myself
Ohhh
I won't stalk anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

You're the one who makes me bust brain cells
The start and end on my timeline
When you're logged on, I'm always lol-ing
You're gonna swipe me right

I crash my site, and feel you restore me
Think I would die if you clicked on ignore me
Though there's ten-thousand tweets, I'm gonna fully explore you
Just feed me red meat, I'll forever simp for you

I won't stalk anybody else
When I come to browse you, I sub myself
Ohhh
I won't stalk anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

I scroll myself, I want you to scroll me
When I get banned, I want you to parole me
I stop myself, I want you to F5 me
I unfollow myself, I want you to subscribe me

I won't stalk anybody else
When I come to browse you, I sub myself
Ohhh
I won't stalk anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

I'll stalk you
I won't stalk anybody else
When I come to browse you, I sub myself
Ooof, ooof, ooo-ooof, aaahhh

I won't stalk anybody else
When I come to browse you, I sub myself
Ohhh
I won't stalk anybody else
When I come to browse you, I sub myself

I sub myself...