February 12, 2020

Left-right love-hate pop-punk (spin on Miley's "7 Things" for leftie babes drawn to populist bros)

To continue the Valentine's Day theme, I'm struck by the mutual fascination between leftie babes and populist bros, and channeled it into a love-hate song about reconciliation and realignment, to lift our spirits in these overly polarized times.

These girls feel bored and restless and lonely just hanging out with the same incestuous clique of internet leftoids (or right-wingers, in the guys' case). Then there's the widely acknowledged pattern of girls (on all sides) finding left-wing guys not-so-appealing, and having to hate-fuck hot guys who are moderates or conservatives in the culture war.

It's not just hotness, though -- girls want a guy who's complex and puzzling, almost to the point of infuriation. They want to build dramatic tension by being tragically torn between liking his light side and hating his dark side. Why can't he just be one type, and make himself simple to figure out and react to?

That's why these restless, curious-minded girls are drawn not to generic conservatives, but those who frustrate their innocent worldview, committed to left goals on economics and foreign policy and right goals on society-and-culture.

I'm making the relationship an online one, where most of these fascinations take shape.

The love-hate tone calls for an endearingly bratty wild-child singer and audience -- those who were born, and later came of age, during the restless warm-up phase of the 15-year excitement cycle. Born in the early '90s, adolescents in the late 2000s (and matching the current shift into that phase, leaving the vulnerable phase of the late 2010s).

The tune is one I'm sure they'll remember, "7 Things" by Miley Cyrus, 2008. (In my lyrics, "MAGA" rhymes with "saga".)



* * *

I'll problematic-fave this:
"Strong border and single-payer"
Though the reasoning sounds devious
The father instinct's there

You chose Obama, then went MAGA
It's so illogical to me -- still I care

And now we're scrolling stale takes
We can't rekindle rebel flames
Until you've read my thread:
The problematic things about you

The problematic things about you
Bro brain, kink-shame, you're so mature
You talk sweet, you like slurs
You make me clap, you make me "yikes"
I don't know which replies to hide
Your frens, they're spergs
When you post like them, get no converts
I wanna simp for the king I know
The most problematic thing of all time that you do:
You make me fave you

It's awkward and it's silent
As we await election day
But what I need to see from you
Your support for Bernie's dream

And when you meme it, I'll retweet it
If you next it, I'll receipt it

Let's be clear
Oh I'm not logging off
You're solving problems this year

The problematic things about you
Bro brain, kink-shame, you're so mature
You talk sweet, you like slurs
You make me clap, you make me "yikes"
I don't know which replies to hide
Your frens, they're spergs
When you post like them, get no converts
I wanna simp for the king I know
The most problematic thing of all time that you do:
You make me fave you

Though sometimes I'm literally shaking
From the takes you share online
You still restore my faith in humanity, no lie

The faith-restoring things about you
Your stare, your size, your bold replies
When we chat, I fantasize
You make me clap, you make me "yikes"
Now neither one I'll have to hide
Left-right timeline
When we're realigned, 50-state landslide
I wanna simp for the king I know
The most faith-restoring thing of all time that you do:
You make me fave you

2 comments:

  1. Alison Balsam emerging from posting chrysalis? No longer a Twitter grub, now a Medium butterfly? I told you guys blogs should come back, and her specifically!

    https://medium.com/@alibalsam

    That barrette in the hair, that color filter... they're as iconic as a Red Bull can and tortoiseshell glasses. It must be her.

    While you all are scrolling Twitter for 17 hours a day, I here at blogspot dot com enjoy enough of a repose to survey the broader posting landscape.

    She was only dead on the dull sublunary plane of the take-lovers (whose soul is clicks). In the refined blogosphere, our parasocial connection with her has become posting gold to airy thinness beat.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Pimp IRL, simp on the TL

    ReplyDelete

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