"how to seduce male math teacher"

Just checked google analytics. Someone found my blog and hung around for a bit after searching for "how to seduce male math teacher." Obviously a girl in high school, given the use of "math" rather than "calc," "stat," etc., and "teacher" rather than "professor."

Not so innocent.

A typical math teacher has zero social skills and cannot speak their native language. (The kids I tutored in math always told me something like this: "omigod it's like SO SIMPLE the way you explain ittt! why does my stupid teacher not know how to like friggin COMMUNICATE?!") So, he'd never get the hint, and you'd have to be very blunt. And of course the average math teacher would just melt into a pitiful blob if one of his students came on to him, and say yes yes yes.

Me, I'm not so easy. And if this teacher is worth seducing, he probably isn't either. Here are three stages to go through -- this is a bit long since it's not as easy as a college student seducing her professor. But he's worth the effort and challenge, right? I'm assuming you're at least cute, though you don't have to be drop-dead gorgeous.

1) Schedule a one-on-one help session. Smile, but don't really show how you feel at this point. When the time comes, talk to him a little bit about the topics you're having trouble with, without going into gory detail. Then ask him to move the meeting to somewhere else in school, like the library or courtyard or something. You obviously can't talk about math while you're walking there, so it'll feel like two normal people talking about stuff, rather than student and teacher.

Beforehand, find out what music was popular when he was a teenager, and ask him about it while you're walking through the halls -- whether he liked it or not, he'll be happy to hear that one of his students can relate to the culture he grew up around. It'll make him feel younger again, and it'll make you seem a bit older. That's good because you don't want him to think that there's a huge age difference between you two. You can also do this with TV shows and movies that were popular when he was a teenager. Just stick to things that are fun -- not what politics were like, or anything like that.

Don't flirt too heavily with him here. This part is just to loosen him up and make him interact with you as a normal person, rather than as the distant teacher. He'll also be distracted from his professional responsibilities.

2) When you get to the real meeting place, make sure there's a spot where you can sit side-by-side or around a corner of a desk or table. The corner spot is best because you can easily look him in the eye, but you're not so far away that you can't lean in to his space. Make frequent eye-contact, keep your feet close to his, and constantly interrupt him to say, "oh you mean like this?" And then move your hand close to his while you do the work for a problem.

Every once in awhile, touch your foot to his, but don't overdo it and start stroking his leg or anything. Do the same with your hand -- whatever he's writing on, move your hand next to his to write something down, so that your hands touch. Remember to smile, laugh, and giggle.

If you're doing a problem by yourself for awhile, look puzzled, then reach over and tug on his shirt sleeve before asking for help. This is another easy, not-too-obvious way to let him know you're fine touching him.

When there's a natural pause or break, bring up the stuff you were talking about in the hall again. You don't want that to totally dry up once the studying starts. If he doesn't want to let you have a break, just stop all of a sudden and bring it up -- he might make you get back to work soon, but his defenses will be lowered because you're showing that you're really interested in that stuff about him.

3) For this part, you'll need a car. Only go to this part once you've gotten to know each other -- maybe it happens fast, but maybe it'll take four or five study sessions. The goal is to give him a ride someplace in your car. You'll have to decide where, depending on what is near your school. The best place is a bookstore -- tell him that you really want to know more about the things you've been talking about, or maybe just what a good book on math is. You're already going to Barnes and Noble, so why doesn't he come along and help you pick something out?

If he hesitates or says no, just say, "oh c'mon, it'll be like an educational field trip! it'll help me develop my intellectual capacities!" This will give him an excuse to say to himself, "Oh OK, I guess I can do this..."

When you're there, look around at whatever you're going there for, keeping the same friendly and slightly flirtatious behavior that you've had all along. After awhile, tell him that there are just so many choices, and that you need to think it over for a minute, but first you need some coffee or tea. Every big bookstore has a cafe, so move things there. He will be impressed that you drink coffee or tea, trust me. And again, it'll make you appear older and precocious, so he won't feel guilty for having a crush on you.

Waiting for your order will give you more time to chat and stand close to him, and when you get your drinks, boom, you're officially on a date with your math teacher. Sit either across from him or around a corner (or the same position if it's a round table). Find whatever excuse you can to reach out to touch his shirt sleeve, his hand, his drink, etc. "omigod, i wish i had a sweater just like that, it looks like it feels so comfortable," and then touch the fabric. Or, "hey, i read a science article on the internet that said men have bigger hands. i mean, they can't be THAT much bigger -- lemme see," and then reach your hand across with your palm out. Occasionally touch your feet to his.

When you're done in the cafe, go back to whatever you were thinking of buying, ask his advice again, and then pick whatever he suggests. "yeah, i'll go with this one -- i mean, you're a pretty intelligent guy."

It's late, and this has gone on for awhile, so I'll write how to wrap things up in a follow-up post.