February 14, 2022

"You're Uwu-ful" (e-girl tribute, James Blunt parody)

Happy Valentine's Day. To continue an ongoing series of adapting classic songs to our new entirely online existence, here's one set to the tune of "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt (original lyrics here). This is more from the POV of a guy who loses himself in the world of anime, streamers, and bee-day-oh gamez, inclined to disdain all female accounts as mere simp-baiters, and yet who can't help falling for the one who's not like the other e-girls.

It's mostly outside my own experience, but I can still pick up on their scene from tuning in to Gura, Pokimane, and Wolfabelle, every now and then. Plus my imaginary gf was a podcaster and occasional live-streamer...

Dedicated to that special fren, who I know doesn't go for slow sentimental ballads, but who still appreciates my soft spot for them as one of my many charming quirks. :)

Pronunciation guide: stress shifted in "sub-TWEET", "mis-CLICKED", and "ar-CHIVE" to match the original rhythm.

* * *

My timeline's killin' it...

My timeline's killin' it
Good vibes assured
I followed an e-girl
I can't be cured
She hand-hearted me for subbing
She was busy reading chat
But I won't go subtweet on that
I'm gonna make it, fam

You're uwu-ful
You're uwu-ful
You're uwu-ful, it's true
I saw your takes
How's a girl so based?
And I feel like such a noob
'Cause I'll never stream with you

I misclicked and hit like
As I scrolled her archive
She could tell from that fave
That I was too-online
But I don't care if I
Overplayed my hand
'Cause she shared my fan-art
And then winked at the cam

You're uwu-ful
You're uwu-ful
You're uwu-ful, it's true
I saw your takes
How's a girl so based?
And I feel like such a noob
'Cause I'll never stream with you

You're uwu-ful
You're uwu-ful
You're uwu-ful, it's true
There must be an e-girl with an ahegao face
When she trolled I'd be on stream with you
But the time for coping's through
I will never stream with you


  1. In the Red Scare loveline ep, Anna promises not to mess with her nose, says it would be an offense to her ancestors, etc. One less victim of the rhinoplasty conspiracy!

    Regarding alt milks, I've been lactose-intolerant since my mid-20s, I suspect due to taking Accutane in college (fucks with your epithelial cells by drying them out, to the point of getting random nose bleeds, and perma-chapped lips). The lining of your digestive system is made up of epithelial cells too (inner surface, but still a surface). Such a gyp, since I never had horrible acne to begin with.

    Quickly figured out the benefits of low-carb / paleo / keto / etc. around 2009, and switched to coconut milk -- hands down, the best alt milk, nothing else comes close. Get it unsweetened, and it has no carbs. The most fatty of the alt milks, and even better, it's all saturated fat, including the short and medium-chain fatty acids that are hard to find from other sources.

    Metabolizing them, i.e. burning them for energy, is proportional to the length of the chain that needs to be broken down. So the short / medium chains start fueling your body quicker. Like a sugar rush, but without the crash afterwards!

    More likely to feel that high from taking a tablespoon of coconut *oil* rather than the diluted alt milk form, but still. BTW, the mouthfeel of coconut oil is too oily and gross, you'll need a chaser of water or something to wash it down.

    During the heyday of club mania (late 2000s, early 2010s), I always took a tablespoon of coconut oil before heading out for 4 non-stop hours of gymnastic-level dancing. And a single shot of cognac, to lower my inhibitions just a little. Had a single shot of espresso earlier in the afternoon or evening, as well.

    It broke my heart to see that So Delicious canceled their coconut milk kefir, which I loved even more than the alt milk. It had that yogurt-y tang, if you like complex flavor profiles.

    But on a nostalgia trip, I tried looking for it -- nothing, except for foodie blog posts from circa 2010. It must be out of production for a decade by now, damn.

    Alt-ice creams are best when made from coconut milk as well. That's when you really need the rich saturated fat, and almond milk etc. just can't compare.

  2. Social/cultural spectrum determines the type of substances you take to enhance or alter your ordinary mind/body. Probably stemming from bodily purity playing a stronger role in conservative morality. But also reflecting the fact that leftists' brains and bodies are more abnormal, and require more powerful artificial interventions to make them think, feel, and act like right-wing normies can manage without the need for drugs.

    Leftists take only hard drugs (party drugs, as well as psych meds), nothing natural

    Right-wingers take only natural ones (coconut oil, coffee, spirits), never hard drugs

    Moderates take a little of both types

    So, the Red Scare ladies are right in the middle of the spectrum, as we could tell in other ways. Not leftists, but also not right-wingers.

    Also a sign of Aimee Terese's blossoming conservative morality, that she ditched her ADHD meds while still downing Red Bull for the caffeine. :)

  3. Also shows that Thotton Mather, the Bree Van de Kamp of the Real Tradwives of Strasser County on twitter, is actually conservative in morality, distinct from the '90s moderates wing of "neither left nor right". She enjoys coffee and booze (in moderation), while not also taking edibles, ketamine, or any of the other substances that today's social moderates consume.

    Substance consumption is not merely recreational or personal -- taboos about what material stuff goes into one's body are among the most fundamental forms of the moral regulation of society.

    BTW, she recently asked how non-puffy-coat wearers avoid freezing in winter -- it's called WOOL (or cashmere, camel hair, alpaca, whatever). The L.L. Bean heritage must really be fading among the WASPs -- or maybe they don't make wool coats anymore, and defected to the synthetic tech-bro materials instead? Either way, smh...

    With the windchill yesterday, it was in the teens here, and I kept my upper body all warm & cozy with a cotton shirt, cashmere vest, and all-wool navy peacoat (from circa 1950), all of which were buried treasures from thrift stores (like, under $10 per item).

    After spending time in stores (where the temp is probably 70), I was warm enough on the walk home that I didn't even need to button the coat.

    Mind you, I have little body fat, so all of the body temp maintenance comes from those clothes. If they can keep a wiry male torso warm, they're perfectly able to keep women warm, too, whether voluptuous or skinny-queen types.

  4. Thicc MILF jogger couldn't help saying "That's a nice hat -- I love it!" while passing by on the sidewalk tonight. Another example of how eager da wahmen are to compliment your drip these days, in the restless phase of the 15-year excitement cycle.

    By far the easiest compliment-getter, BTW -- and it's nothing special. Just a wool beret in a medium-to-navy blue. Babes go crazy for it, though.

  5. Percolator synchronicity: pausing the Red Scare ep to note FTR that I've been using an electric percolator for coffee the past week or so. Dasha just said she uses a stovetop type. It's easily the least used or respected method these days -- everyone does espresso or French press, or some kind of drip, even cold brew. Anything but those "old granma 1950s things".

    Just wanted to note this, so no one thinks I copied the idea from hearing it on a podcast, but is instead a synchronicity event of some kind. Percolator revival. Already has hipster cred baked in, from the famous line in Twin Peaks -- "There was a fish... IN the percolator!"

    Vintage General Electric, made in USA, Midcentury mod / Space Age aesthetic. Found in a thrift store awhile ago for probably less than $10. Works perfectly, and I gave it a deep clean with baking soda + water, then again with vinegar + water, scrubbing everything out.

    Had to improvise a mini drain snake for the tube on the side that shows the water level. It had coffee residue all inside it. So I put some dishwashing liquid and warm water in there, then folded a piece of twine in half to double its thickness, and crammed it down the tube with the end of a metal coathanger. Flushed the residue right out. Looks entirely new now. :)

  6. All we need is for OG groyper to issue a coffee report about using a percolator instead of a Moka pot, for the revival to really catch on among the avant-garde culture. Hehe.

  7. There's also this classic song about the percolator:


  8. I thought that was gonna be "Salt Shaker" by Ying Yang Twins, which has the phrase, "Pussy poppin' till you percolate".

    Did percolators last longer in black households? Two separate references to them from black groups from the early 2000s.

    Maybe coffee was more utilitarian for their homes, just getting the caffeine jolt, rather than following gay white yuppie trends when Starbucks got real big during the '90s. But now even black tastemakers imitate gay white yuppies. Sadge.

    Love Starbucks, BTW, went there every day from 2009 to 2013. But not much of a crunk-appreciating crew there, aside from moi.

  9. This song goes out to Alison Balsam, not as a confession of how I feel about her, but from one lover of early '90s soul jams to another.


    One of the things I most appreciated about her was that, despite liking the typical depressive kinds of music that the too-online wordcels are into (like Radiohead), she would out of nowhere drop a link to the video for "Weak" by SWV, only adding "still floored by this song".

    Something with a sincere rather than ironic or self-aware tone, but also with a pining / wistful tone rather than the upbeat sincerity of the twee indie trend of the late 2000s. And appealing to mainstream normies, not some lib-arts college-town crowd.

    The original of this song by Minnie Riperton is aesthetic enough to appeal to that crowd still. But this cover gives it enough percussion to make it slow-danceable. Back when us middle school kids were still filled with a mixture of wonder and dread, hearing something like this come on during a school dance. Especially Ali, since she's a tall girl, and there must've been so few boys to choose from.

    They don't have anything carnivalesque like "dances" in virtuality, but that's a topic for another separate post. Every space is all the same, ordinary and mundane. No way to meet the "same" people / accounts, but in a different atmosphere where we're all somebody a bit different from our normal selves, for a little while anyway, before returning to the humdrum atmosphere afterward.

    But if they did have such spaces, consider this a belated addendum to the Valentine's Day playlist for all you sincerity-lovers out there on the dancefloor...

  10. I'll write something about Ukraine for Monday.

  11. looking forward to it!

  12. Rare miss from Red Scare, bringing on a nuclear-level glowie to debate him. Big-wig at VICE during the 2nd Obama admin? That's when it became a wholly owned subsidiary of the CIA, especially re: foreign policy propaganda, re-branding Yankee interventionism for the dirtbag left Millennial PMCs. Whether attacking Russia, Syria, Iran, North Korea, or any other Axis of Evil boogeyman.

    I appreciate that they stuck to their anti-interventionist guns, and defended Putin and Russia over NATO expansion, judging from a skim of the subreddit's comments. But definitely will not listen past the opening few minutes. Guy lights up the whole neighborhood with that level of glow!

    And is already pumping out propaganda for PBS, if you wanted to hear it. The notion that keeping him and his ilk off of podcasts would be unfair is risible. They already dominate the coverage, no need for it to infect the heterodox little-guy spaces, too.

    If the ladies found him on their own, just remember to check their background next time. Dirtbag left journo with big bylines and mainstream awards = glowie.

    If somebody recommended him to them, put that person on the glowie watch as well. I know Dasha's friends with Brace Belden, the glowie who went to Syria against Assad for a photo-op to tell dirtbag lefties how badly Assad needs to go. Hopefully she doesn't take any advice from him about foreign policy or who to have on the show.

    Not that it leads to bad outcomes on the ground -- Belden got his ass spanked by Assad, backed up by Putin, and nobody takes the whole "anarcho-feminist Kurds" meme seriously anymore. Ostrovsky is getting his ass spanked by Putin, who is busy taking over Ukraine, more than just Crimea where he was propagandizing from in the past decade.

    Memes are not real -- asabiyah is real, and the jihadists and Ukies have none of it, while Russia has plenty. Still, no need to consume CIA-directed propaganda for dirtbag leftoids.

    Too bad Stephen Cohen, the Russia-focused historian and anti-interventionist, died in 2020. He would've been ideal to have on, as he appeared on Tucker, Michael Tracey's interviews, etc.

    Again, no hate for the ladies, will always listen except when glowies are on, and good on them for not indulging NATO apologia. Just some constructive criticism about guest selection. Run them by Michael Tracey, when in doubt.

  13. Dasha looked pretty at the SAG awards last night. I think the make-up artists at these ceremonies lighten her Asiatic features (saw the same thing at that awards show in Germany). Some kind of shadow along the sides of the nose to make it look more pronounced than flat, and shadow and maybe something else around the eyes to make the eyelid region stand out, instead of the epicanthic fold blending that whole region together.

    It may be erasing her northern Slavic roots, but I'm a sucker for high-relief features. Nice to see her like that every once in awhile. Skull-measurer approved. Hehe.

    Also the side-part and low bun looks cute on her. Elegant and restrained for a formal occasion where she isn't supposed to command the spotlight, but allows some asymmetry / movement to catch your attention.

  14. Fuck: TikTok, Marry: Flickr, Kill: Twitter.

    Do people play this game with entire sites, rather than individuals? Fun.

    And of course I'd make an exception for a few individual accounts on Twitter, like my specialest of frens... who I happen to know used to have a Flickr account, too! Before she got sucked into the discourse vortex. So in a way she's still marriage material, hehe.

    Romantic purple twilight skies over the sandy beach, such a romantic at heart. That's all I remember from it. And those intense soulful eyes in the pfp, naturally.

    More innocent and exciting times.

  15. Teen girl in the thrift store came up and said, "I like your jacket... :)" I keep saying, as of 2020, girls are so eager to compliment you on your drip, now that the restless phase of the excitement cycle has begun. Was not like that during the late 2010s, during the vulnerable touch-me-not phase of the cycle.

    She passed by the end of the aisle I was in, did a double-take while looking down it, then circled around and came up into the aisle from the other end.

    So cute to see them working up the courage to talk to guys IRL! Not just hitting the like button on some account's content. Also, turned out she was there with her mom -- that took even more guts, knowing her mother's protective eye was out there somewhere!

    Black leather jacket, idk what style specifically -- something minimalist mod-looking, vintage and made in Sweden (thrifted for $15, naturally). Not a try-hard biker / punk style, not a leather blazer, just a mod zip-up with a shirt-like collar. Very nice material, though -- they don't make 'em like that anymore.

    Was also wearing a shirt with various blue-toned (and some white) stripes, navy wool tie + silver-toned tie bar, brown cotton twill pants, black leather belt, black leather ankle boots. No beret or any hat this time either.

    It's all about the brown and dark blue (maybe lightened up with some white or light blue or light yellow). Part of the '90s / y2k revival, as well as the '60s and early '70s. Something about these low-energy cycles that prefer thick and heavy colors. 1960-'74, 1990-2004, 2020-

    The high-energy cycles prefer lighter and brighter colors -- 1975-'89, 2005-'19.

    If you're too afraid to wear brown pants, you can always go with dark blue jeans and brown on top (jacket, sweater, shirt, whatever).

    Very understated yet shmomisticated color combo -- for those effortless chic occasions. :)

  16. Hey special frennn, lookee what kind of flower is on Jack's Twitter feed today -- a derangia! Your favorite.

    I think coining that word in tribute to you, O muse, was a longer-lasting love-gift to you than just sending an actual flower would have been. Hehe. :)

  17. A love so strong and enduring, it needed to be memorialized by the creative act, whose product lasts forever.

    I will stop flirting with you when you and your bf get engaged, BTW. Until a wedding ring marks you as another man's property, it's not trespassing if I get a little playful on occasion. You're always free to tell me, "Down, boy!" Hehe.

  18. "A payday to be plugged into while it's still hot" -- damn gurl, tell me you're ovulating without telling me you're ovulating. Luv wahmen with no filter over their libido. High energy!

  19. Double-D alt girl complimented me on my beret tonight in the thrift store. Very smiley and friendly. Wearing a high-cropped cami, and baggyish jeans, doing the y2k thing.

    Alas, this assman's heart has room for only one boob-girl exception -- my very buxom and very special fren. :)

    I keep telling you guys, the atmosphere has changed as of 2020. Complimenting you on your drip is totally normal now. And how easy is it to make a fun impression on them? Just wear a navy beret to top off the rest of your look.

    Wasn't wearing any brown tonight to pair with the dark blue, though, other than my brown vintage Dr. Martens oxfords. As much as the Zoomers want to revive the '90s, I've yet to see brown shoes -- they were everywhere. Such thick, heavy colors -- brown shoes, forest green sweaters, and cranberry scrunchees. Even purple or brown lipstick!

  20. 5'10 MILF (if people still had kids these days) complimented me on my "good rhythm" in the supermarket, smiling and giggling (or whatever it's called when the statuesque type makes those noises). I was doing nothing more than smacking my thumb against the basket handle I was holding, to the very simple beat of "Part of Me" by Katy Perry.

    (Remember: the new music industry is dead forever, so you won't have to worry about staying au courant.)

    She must've been in an unh-tss dance party mood -- on a Saturday afternoon, when it's well below freezing outside! I always predicted the return of dance fever during the restless warm-up phase of the 15-year excitement cycle, and as of 2020, it's back baby.

    Too bad no one will go to clubs and dance for real -- it has to be virtual clubs like TikTok. But the spirit is still back nonetheless. Gura was busting a move on her friend's stream the other night, and getting into rhythm games (or "rhytheo games," as she said, I love her subconscious improv words).

    I was feeling a little flirty, so I looked for something to talk about. We were in the bread section, and I saw some "sourdough" muffins on sale. Glanced over the ingredients, and didn't see anything like "sour starter culture".

    Hmmm, let me ask a pretty woman about baking -- they love woman-splaining, if it's not about stuff that a guy should already know about (which is a major lady-boner killer). Isn't sourdough supposed to be made with a starter culture, are these muffins trying to fool people with their branding? (Doesn't matter if you already know the answer, it's just to start a little social interaction, and make you both feel warm and good inside from talking back and forth.)

    "Actually, I work at a breakfast place..." -- she's so good at baking, she does it for a living!

    She had nice olive / tan skin, too, but that would've been a little too cheesy to compliment her on. How she's warming up an otherwise brutally cold day, haha. I was thinking of something less forward, like how her sage green vest complimented her skin color very nicely, but again, doesn't allow for much back-and-forth chit-chat.

    I was wearing the beret, BTW, but I think this woman's mind was more on how good this random hot guy's rhythm was. Public flirtation is back, people -- get out there and take part! ^_^

  21. You're a cringe girl, da da da da da, 'cause you know they'll upvote you anyway. Thousands of likes if you show your tummy, you can rely on the incel money.

    From my drafts... "Rich Girl" is a Gura karaoke song, and I imagine her singing this diss track about some coomer-pandering Vtuber who she might have been interested in, but gets turned off from when she sees how carelessly the other one treats people, due to having a safety cushion of simp bux.


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