December 7, 2006

All the cool curmudgeons are doing it!

Dennis Mangan and Steve have recently spotlighted a blog called The Joy of Curmudgeonry, in which the author posts his own aphorisms in the style of Lichtenberg. Evidently there's a demand for such things, so allow me to try my hand at this curmudgeon thing (I'm only 26 -- I may have to wait awhile before getting the full hang of it) ...

Entering into wedlock with a woman who is committed to "serial monogamy" is like investing in a business that promises "serial loyalty" to the stockholder.

The power feminists have succeeded in gaining equal status for women in at least one respect: now they, too, show off their trophy husbands to stoke the jealousy of their same-sex acquaintances.

Unlike Procrustes, the champions of the axiom of indistinguishability prefer to simply sunder the limbs of the more abled at the wrists and ankles, so that all may hobble and fumble equally. This also quite elegantly solves the problem of biting the hand that feeds.

Minors should at all times be shielded from the lurid world of adults: let them learn of filing tax returns and filling prescriptions when they must -- until then, allow them to enjoy their days of beatings from bullies and bareback blowjobs behind the bleachers.

Civilization has managed to tame the instinct of male barbarians to pummel. Yet think how many more lives might still be saved if only it could do likewise for the other sex's oxygen-depleting instinct to gossip. Also consider how many more delightful days females would enjoy during adolescence were they, too, prevented from practicing their savage rites of passage such as this.

An unrequited lover is safest when orbiting his unstirred planet at a great distance: for should he circle too closely, he may well end up a Saturnine ring.

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